American psychologist John Gottman spent decades studying what separates couples who last from couples who don’t, and gave a name to a concept that’s as simple as it is essential: the “Love Map.” In short, it’s the mental map you hold of your partner’s inner world — their fears, their dreams, their little habits, what’s stressing them out right now, what makes them laugh. His research suggests couples who keep a detailed, up-to-date map of each other tend to weather conflict and hard times better.
Good news: you don’t need a therapist’s office to test it. We’ve put together a homemade version of the game to play together, on a quiet evening or a long car ride.
How to play
- Get comfortable, phones away
- Take turns asking each other a question from the list — but before your partner answers, try to guess their answer first
- One point if you guess correctly, zero if not — but the real point isn’t the score, it’s the conversation that follows each question
- No need to do it all at once: 5 to 6 questions a night is plenty for a real conversation
The 20 questions
- What’s my worst memory from school?
- What am I most afraid of right now?
- What’s my favorite dish, and why does it matter to me?
- Who was my best friend growing up?
- What’s a dream I’ve never really told you about in detail?
- What song instantly takes me back to a specific memory?
- What compliment means the most to me?
- What habit of mine made you fall for me early on?
- What am I proudest of in my life so far?
- What’s stressing me out most this week?
- Who’s had the biggest impact on my life, outside of you?
- Where do I dream of traveling, and why that place specifically?
- What’s a small everyday gesture that genuinely makes me happy?
- What do you think is my greatest strength — and do I agree?
- What’s the movie or book that’s affected me most?
- What decision in my life would I make exactly the same way again?
- What’s my biggest need in our relationship right now?
- What about you makes me feel safest?
- What’s one thing I’d want us to do together before the end of the year?
- If I could change one thing about our daily routine, what would it be?
Bonus round for diaspora couples
For binational couples, long-distance couples, or anyone juggling two cultures, here are five extra questions built for your reality:
- What dish or smell instantly takes me back home?
- What family tradition would I absolutely want to pass on to our kids?
- What do I miss most about my home country when I’m away from it?
- What’s the hardest thing to explain to someone who didn’t grow up in my culture?
- Where do we picture ourselves growing old together — here, back home, or somewhere in between?
The scoring system
1 point per correctly guessed answer on the 20 main questions, 2 points on the diaspora bonus questions (they’re trickier). Score out of 30:
- 25-30: your love map is well up to date — keep maintaining it.
- 15-24: a solid foundation, with a few areas worth exploring together.
- Under 15: not a failure — an invitation. Plan a real evening to rediscover each other.
My take
I find this game genuinely valuable precisely because it’s not flashy. We tend to assume we know our partner by heart after a few years, when in reality people keep changing and growing — and a love map you never update eventually goes stale. This isn’t a test to pass. It’s an excuse to ask the right questions again.
What score do you think you’d get if you played this tonight with your partner?